I have really enjoyed living life without feeling guilty about things. I often feel that the one big reason why I have been able to escape guilt is because I am not a very religious person, which I think is largely responsible for 'guilt'. Guilty about not praying enough, about eating when others are fasting - its a long list. I guess I have always believed that guilt is not self induced but caused by external pressures.
Tarana has proved this assumption of mine wrong. I now suffer from self induced guilt on a regular basis. Basically I feel pulled in two different directions - between work and motherhood. I absolutely love and adore Tarana. I also do really enjoy my work. I don't want to choose between them. I want them both. They both need more time than I have to offer - I wish I could sit around with Tarana every morning at 10am, watch her having her snack and have our silly mother daughter chat (if one can call it that)! I also wish that I don't have to run out of office every evening at 5pm leaving meetings half way through, work piled up on my desk or a really interesting job half way through to be at the nursery on time.
Guilt obviously gets a lot worse on weeks like this, when I am travelling. This week is particularly difficult as T's nursery has been closed for the last two days. So Robin and T moved into P and J's place. A nanny that T hasn't known for long has been spending the day looking after her. The guilt just piles up - guilty about T being disillusioned and upset, guilty about adding to P's already packed working day, guilty about Robin struggling to balance work, T and everything else to do with the move! I am surrounded by amazing people - my bosses at work are nothing but supportive about flexible working, P is always superb about stepping in and helping out even when it makes her life harder, and Robin is phenomenally supportive about both work and motherhood (in spite of being a little challenged in the household chores department). So there is no one but myself to blame for this 'guilty feeling'.
I thoroughly understand... I go through the same guilt feelings about not praying enough, about not having done enough for the kids especially in their infancy and about not concentrating enough on my work etc.
ReplyDeleteGlad you have support from R, P and J.